Phil Mickelson, Fool, Decides To Skip US Open For High School Graduation

DUBLIN, Ohio — Phil Mickelson plans to skip the U.S. Open so he can attend his daughter Amanda’s high school graduation ceremony near their San Diego home.

Mickelson said he has not officially withdrawn from the tournament, which begins June 15 at Erin Hills in Wisconsin, and will wait closer to the event to do so, barring some change that would allow him to play.

 

Gotta say, this screams to me a man that has never attended a high school graduation. Reeeeaaaally questioning your decision here Phil. Having been both an attendant and participant in a few graduations over the years, it is as boring of a hellhole as there is. I’ll give you a rundown of what to expect.

First, it’s gonna start with an introduction from the principal, who will be taking this with the utmost seriousness, fitting from a leader of young men and women. Although they probably don’t know the name of more than 10 students, they’re gonna act like a parent of this household.

After that you’re going to hear, like, the chior or the band perform. In all likelihood, they are going to suck. There could be a miracle group out there that is enjoyable, but if you’re playing the odds here, it’ll be bad, but hopefully short.

Then comes the student speeches, full of all the hope and optimism and naivete that you’d expect out of a successful 18 year old high schooler. They have yet to be crushed by the unrelenting waves of work and responsibility. For most of us, this makes this portion even more painful, but seeing as Phil is Phil, the optimism won’t be too annoying.

Now is the worst of the worst. The final layer of hell. The Transformers 2 of graduation. The reading of the names. If you’ve never witnessed somebody read off hundreds of names at a stagnant pace, count yourself lucky. Keep in mind this is mainly why Phil is skipping the Open, the one major that has eluded him for the career grand slam. He is missing a chance at that to hear his daughter’s name be read off a list, one grain of sand in a beach of names. He’ll get to cheer for about 4 seconds, then another name will be read, and nobody will remember his daughter’s name after that.

To recap, one of the all time greats is skipping out on an ever-dwindling window at winning a major to hear a couple shitty speeches, a bad band, and a bunch of names be read off a list. I question this man’s priorities.

Another thing, I feel I need to call out his daughter in this situation. You know what would really show that her time in school paid off and she has matured into a smart young adult? Telling her dad not to skip the goddam US Open for her boring ceremony. It is the mark of a truly mature person to be able to see something as entirely pointless, and not care about others attending that pointless thing.

 

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