Obituaries: San Antonio Spurs

The San Antonio Spurs organization were violently laid to rest on Tuesday, after being mutilated by the Golden State Warriors. After having their left ankle broken on Sunday, the Spurs were then to be put down on Tuesday evening. It was supposed to be humane end for the Spurs, but in a move that can only be compared to Percy not wetting the sponge in The Green Mile, they were instead treated to a twisted, foul death. Though many Spurs supporters contend that the Spurs are still alive, and that “a 2-0 lead isn’t insurmountable,” it can be seen that these people are naive and disillusioned from reality, probably still thinking that their childhood dogs actually ran away and weren’t rotting in their back yard.

The initial injury that did in the Spurs was of course Kawhi Leonard’s ankle injury in game 1. At the center of the controversy was Zaza Pachalia, who many thought would never find work after Geico went away from the “Caveman” ad campaign.

The Spurs lived a long and prosperous life, especially in their waning days, winning five championships in the last 18 seasons.

As a destination marginal players who would have their careers revitalized by playing under Gregg Popovich, San Antonio, like Bruce Bowen, who has his jersey retired in San Antonio after averaging a blistering 6.1 points. Seriously. He is in the same regard as David Robinson and Tim Duncan.

After initially being an ABA franchise, the Spurs joined the NBA in 1976, and aside from the name George Gervin, not a single person knows anything about them until they drafted David Robinson in 1989.

1996 was the year where the glory days really began. After a poor start, Popovich moved from General Manager to Head Coach, where his tenure will be know as much for his legendary coaching record as it will for his slight dickishness during sideline interviews. The season was a disaster after Robinson was sidelined for most of it with injury, and the Spurs entered the draft lottery. With luck, they ended up with the number one pick, and selected Tim Duncan, a man who’s boringness while playing is rivaled only by his boringness being interviewed by any living soul. This man was somehow one of the greatest players in NBA history.


Then came the championships and the foreign players. Robinson won titles in 1999 and 2003, with the latter being assisted by youngsters Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili. Parker and Ginobili would join Duncan as the cornerstones of the Franchise for the next 15 years. The two foreigners had few blemishes, Ginobili’s being an infamous bald spot, and Parker’s being cheating on his wife Eva Longoria, for God knows why.

Life was good as the years went on, with the Spurs being perennial contenders out of the West. Then in 2013, they faced what could be their biggest challenge, the Miami Heat of LeBron James. In an epic clash, it appeared that the Spurs were destined to vanquish the Big 3. In what would be a heartbreaker for the Spurs, and one of the most memorable shots in NBA history, Ray Allen saved the Heat in Game 6 and hit the cutch three that would eventually lead to a Heat victory and a Game 7. The shot left Spurs fans feeling as though they were visiting a ritual in The Temple of Doom.

Alas, the next year the Spurs vanquished their foe, and beat the Heat for the 2014 NBA title. Tim Duncan was given the chance to ride into the sunset as a champion and end his career. Instead, he decided to stay for 2 more season, only to come to the realization that the Warriors are far, far better than they were.

All in all, it was a good run for the Spurs. Even this 2016-2017 season could be considered a success because they move the line for them winning the NBA title to +400. Pretty good considering it was an impossibility.


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